


Massacring the Sparklies

by Aragorn_II_Elessar



Category: Angel: the Series, Blade (Movie Series), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Hellboy (Movies 2004-2008), Hellsing, Twilight (Movies), Underworld (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Real badasses take down the Sparklies, doesn't make sense, for fun, not for Twilight fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26175868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aragorn_II_Elessar/pseuds/Aragorn_II_Elessar
Summary: Alucard, Blade, Buffy, Angel, Spike, Selene, Hellboy and Whistler team up to take down the Sparklies. Pure crack fic. Not for Twilight fans.
Kudos: 13





	Massacring the Sparklies

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, Blade, Buffyverse, Underworld, Hellboy or anything else you may recognize
> 
> So this is just a fun idea I got where the very badass Vampires, Slayers and Demon Hunters are gonna team up to take down the Sparklies from 'Shitlight' (Yeah, that's the name I gave it).
> 
> Now I do know the Sparklies have some cool powers that can be a pain in the ass, but their lameness negates all of their powers, LOL!
> 
> Now this is pure crack fic, so do not take anything in this seriously, except the Shitlight bashing.
> 
> Hope all enjoy.

Hideout

Alucard, Blade, Buffy, Angel, Spike, Selene, Hellboy and Whistler had all teamed up recently to take down hordes of Vampires as well as other big Demons, and together they were making pretty good progress.

Right now, all of them were practicing together.

Blade and Buffy were sparring with swords, while Angel and Spike were fighting each other (and trash talking, to Buffy's amusement), and Alucard and Hellboy were sparring as well, but holding their full strength back of course because they could demolish the place.

Selene was practicing her moves by herself.

"Oh come on! Stop fighting like a broody puppy!" Spike said as he flipped and kicked Angel back.

"You are the one who whines about how pathetic his life gets and I am the broody puppy?" Angel asked as he ducked to avoid a punch and kicked Spike away in a spin motion.

"They always like that?" Blade asked as he ducked to avoid a swing from Buffy and leapt to avoid another one before trapping her sword between his feet, but she managed to free it in a swift motion.

"Yeah", she said as she blocked a blow. "Always trying to one-up each other and look more macho."

That was when Whistler walked in. "Everyone, there is something you should see."

"What is it, Whistles?" Spike asked.

"You know those Vampires we've been tracking in Washington State?" Whistler asked as they nodded. "Turns out they're not like anything we've ever seen before."

As they listened, he said. "Sunlight doesn't kill 'em."

"I am jealous", Angel said sarcastically.

"They're immune to silver, garlic, and just about any kind of stake through the heart", Whistler said.

"Awww", Buffy said in a funny tone as she held up her wooden stake.

"Not a problem for me", Selene shrugged.

"What about bullets?" Blade asked.

"Nope", Whistler shook his head. "Their skin is harder than diamonds."

"Okay, so what's the good news?" Blade asked.

"They cannot be invulnerable", Hellboy said.

"Despite all these powers", a funny smirk came over Whistler's face. "They're total…emo….pussies."

At this point, everyone in the room burst into hysterical laughter, even Blade and Selene, who weren't much into smiling.

"This is gonna be easier than getting rational adults to watch teenage drama", Alucard said.

* * *

Later, Forks, Washington

Edward Cullen was wandering around near the forest like the broody tortured puppy he was when he walked into Blade, and looking at him, his eyes widened in shock.

Blade gave a bone-chilling, toothed grin as Edward looked at him in horror, and then backed off, looking back at him every now and then before getting into his car and speeding away.

Then Alucard, Buffy, Angel, Spike, Selene, Hellboy and Whistler walked next to Blade.

"Looks like you were right, old man", Blade said. "He is the biggest deal around here, and he's an emo pussy."

"This is going to be a massacre", Selene said.

"Let's go then", Hellboy said as he loaded his gun.

* * *

Jacob was brooding in the forests about how Bella would never love him when he heard the revving of engines and turned to see Blade speed up to him on his bike.

Before Jacob could react, Blade leapt off and punched him on the face, sending him flying back by many feet.

"Motherfucking pedophile", Blade said, lifting up Jacob and slamming him to the ground, making him groan before he roared and transformed into a werewolf, but Blade flipped in the air and swinging his sword in a spin motion, chopped off his head, before chopping off his body into many pieces.

"Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill", he quipped.

* * *

Edward and Bella were making out when the door broke down and in walked Angel and Selene.

"More of you?" Edward said, gulping.

"You are pathetic and an insult to our name, boy", Angel said, putting his game face on.

"Leave my Edward alone!" Bella yelled as she rushed the two but a flick from Selene's finger sent her flying off and crashing to the ground.

"NOOO!" Edward yelled as he rushed Angel at super speed but the man flipped in the air to avoid and kicked Edward down while Bella started running from Selene in fear.

"Run, coward, run and hide again", Selene snarled as she picked up Bella from behind and effortlessly ripped off her head, killing her.

"NOOOOO! BELLLLAAAAAAAA!" Edward yelled in horror when Angel punched him down. "I'm a better Vampire AND a better Batman than you will ever be."

"SHUT UP!" Edward roared as he got up only for Angel to brandish a special scythe and decapitate him effortlessly.

* * *

Alice was running down to help Edward and Bella when Buffy blocked her way. "Going somewhere?"

"Get out of my way", Alice roared as she sped at Buffy but she brandished a Troll Hammer and hit Alice with it, sending her flying off and breaking every bone in her body.

"I thought you would just be lame. But you're all pathetic", Buffy said as she brandished the Mʔ and decapitated Alice with it. "Now that was satisfying."

* * *

James was coming to town, wondering how to kill Edward and Bella when Spike blocked his way.

"With a look like that, even soding off in Hell won't be enough for you, mate", Spike quipped.

"Get out of my way, puny thing!" James snarled.

"There is no way for you now", Spike said. "From now on, we're gonna have a little less sparkles, and a little more real Vampire action around here."

James and Spike then sped at each other before Spike flipped in the air and behind James, kicking him away before brandishing a special sword which he used to decapitate his opponent, killing him.

"Oh, poor Sparkles", he quipped, walking away as he twirled his sword.

* * *

The Volturi were going about their business when their door broke open and Whistler stood there. "Catch you fuckers at a bad time?"

"How did you get in here, human?" Aro asked.

As if to answer his question, Alucard and Hellboy walked in, standing on either side of Whistler, covered in blood.

"We shall end you all!" Aro roared.

"Let me show you the art of killing!" Alucard said with a smirk before charging Aro and effortlessly punching off his head, to everyone's shock.

"These people are so negative and pathetic", Hellboy said as he lifted up Marcus and ripped him apart.

"No! You all have to end!" Felix roared, only for Alucard to lift him up by the throat.

"Everything will come to an end. These words have the meaning that everything will end", he said before throwing him off and then ripping him apart.

Like that, Alucard and Hellboy ripped apart all of the Volturi, ending them at last.

* * *

Later

Alucard, Blade, Buffy, Angel, Spike, Selene, Hellboy and Whistler all met near the forest again.

"The creatures have enjoyed their last meal", Alucard said.

"Killed a motherfucking pedophile, and his clan", Blade said.

"Cullens are history", Angel shrugged.

"They were cowards", Selene said. "They should not be in history."

"Sounds right to me", Buffy shrugged.

"Killed wannabe bad boy and his cabal", Spike said.

"So I say the mission is complete then", Hellboy said.

"Yeah, looks like it", Whistler said. "Guess it's time to do respectable stuff again."

With that, all the badasses walked off, finally having rid the world of the pathetic sparklies.

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I know the Sparklies have powers, so the fights aren't accurate, but their lameness negates their powers, LOL!
> 
> Now I'm not judging Pattinson's Batman, I actually think he looks pretty good and will do well, but I think Angel will say something like that to hurt him.
> 
> As for Angel saying he is Batman, in his series, he felt like Vampire Batman at times.
> 
> Even Robert Pattinson himself hates Shitlight and was only in it for the money.
> 
> Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed (except teenage Twilight fanatics) and see you all next time with another update. Stay safe from the coronavirus ya all!


End file.
